Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
