are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize