Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
