Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
