To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
