so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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