I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
