Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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