So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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