I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
