so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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