How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
