we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
