apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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