I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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