i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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