I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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