Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
