can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
