how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Someone signed my nipple.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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