I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
