My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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