11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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