I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
