I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
