the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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