youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
