When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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