put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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