Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
