i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
