Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
