i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
