I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
