The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
