so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
