are you still at the devil's house?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
