she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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