i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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