in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
