I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
