i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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