every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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