okay pat passed out under dana's car
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My life is pants optional.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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