I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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