Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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