That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
