Taylor Swift is so right about you.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize