I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You are a booty call, not a friend.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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