we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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