I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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