no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
