my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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