the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
